Reality Check: Talking About Gun Safety
My brother-in-law owns guns, and it worries me to have my child around firearms. Do I talk to him about it?

---

By Denene Millner

Q

My husband's brother has hunting rifles in his attic, and it worries me to have my child around firearms. Do I talk to him about it?

A

There's no need for you to be delicate or squeamish. Folks who are uncomfortable with guns tend to be uncomfortable talking about them as well. But gun owners are usually perfectly happy to chat about their gear. Your brother-in-law bought his guns, hunts with them, and is likely proud to own them. He also doesn't want your child (or his own!) to be at risk, and therefore he should be perfectly willing to talk about what he's done to make his equipment inaccessible to children, something the National Rifle Association, which supports gun ownership, encourages on its website and in its brochures.

How one teensy lie once in a while could hurt your relationship

By Nicole Beland

womenshealthmag.com

My boyfriend and I are standing at the back of the crowd, sipping Bud Lights and indulging in the kind of public displays of affection that small, dark clubs are made for. On stage, a singer-songwriter called M. Ward is belting out bluesy, heart-wrenching tunes. As far as dates go, this is my idea of heaven. About halfway through the show, I glance around and am surprised to catch sight of my ex standing less than 10 feet away. It's no big deal (our relationship ended on friendly terms), but the last thing I'm in the mood for on such a romantic night is an awkward introduction. So I keep his presence to myself, he never notices me, and my honey is none the wiser.

Is that dishonest? I don't think so. Is it completely straightforward? Er, no. My omission falls into that vast gray area between deception and truth that's the source of endless petty fights and twinges of guilt. I'm not talking about the near-unforgivable betrayals that destroy relationships, like infidelity or running off with the contents of your spouse's bank account — nothing gray there. It's everyday stuff that throws me for an ethical loop: No, I didn't spend a fortune at the mall. Of course I don't mind if your mother stays for a week. Wow, that was the best orgasm ever! Is it even possible to maintain harmony without fudging the truth occasionally? "It's complicated," says Jackie Black, Ph.D., a psychologist and relationship coach in Southern California. "On the one hand, if you aren't authentic in a relationship, you're wasting your time. On the other, there's no reason to share insignificant, counterproductive information with your partner just for the sake of telling all." So how do you know when to open up and when to shut your trap? Keep reading.

Why White Lies Count
In a Women's Health survey of nearly 600 women, 70 percent said that they lie to their significant other at least some of the time. So when my friend Sarah said she never tells tall tales to her hubby, I rolled my eyes and pressed her to confess. She finally admitted that though she'd never lie about anything important, a few weeks ago she'd told him she spent an afternoon at the gym when in reality she was at a café flipping through magazines and eating Rice Krispie treats. "I had sworn that I was going to start exercising again and was too embarrassed to admit I'd wimped out," she explained.

Those little lies tend to roll right off the tongue, but they're more important than you might think. The motivation behind them is based on a fundamental misunderstanding about love. It all goes back to mom and dad: "When your parents asked if you had a good day at school or if you put away your toys, if you answered anything other than 'yes,' they were upset," says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. "By punishing the wrong answer, they inadvertently taught you to say whatever would make them happy." As a result, the knee-jerk response to people whose approval we crave is to give them the "right" answer instead of the real one. Bad idea. "Real intimacy requires mutual understanding that includes knowing and accepting each other's flaws, quirks, and weaknesses," Dr. Savage says. If you want to grow closer to someone, you have to get into the habit of exposing yourself instead of always trying to present the "perfect" you. Another very good reason to avoid casual bending of the truth is to preserve your overall credibility. If a friend had happened to see Sarah through the café window and mentioned it to her husband, it would have made him wonder what other lies she might be telling.

Listen up, your libido is calling

 

Women may be ignoring their own wolf calls, say researchers who found a way to quantify sex drive — the first test of its kind. Thirty men and women filled out a survey after seeing clips of sexual images as their brain activity was monitored. Arousal was the same, but only the men admitted to it, says study author Yoram Vardi, M.D., of Rambam Hospital in Haifa, Israel. Why? Women fear letting go and being in their body, says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., author of Sexsmart. Here are three ways to get control of your on/off switch.

Lotion Motion
The best place to discover yourself is in the bath, right? Wrong. Sexologist Blaise Parker, Ph.D., says the fun begins after you're dry. Parker suggests applying lotion afterward, paying close attention to how it feels being touched and how it feels to do the touching. For an added lift: Chew on some Good & Plenty licorice while you apply cucumber lotion, like Bath & Body Works' Cucumber Melon (Bath and Bodyworks). The combo increases blood flow to the vagina, according to the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation.

Hot Little Pill
In a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women taking the supplement ArginMax reported a boost in sex drive. The secret? L-arginine, one of the pill's main ingredients, may help blood flow to the right spot. "L-arginine enhances the production of nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels and could improve desire," says Cynthia Finley, a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University Bayview Medical Center.
 

You brought the cranky cat. He brought the weird Mexican wood carving. Isn't living together great?

By Nancy Wartik

womenshealthmag.com

It used to be called "living in sin." Now it's the status quo. According to the U.S. Census, nearly 5 million unmarried couples wake up together every day. As for everyone else, the majority of husbands and wives had the same address before walking down the aisle. And the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that more than half of women have lived with a significant other at some point by age 30. When you're in love, it makes perfect sense — you save money by splitting the bills, your favorite person is around to talk to every night, and best of all, there's sex on tap.

But people rarely talk about how surprisingly stressful moving in together can be. "It's about more than sharing a bed," says Marshall Miller, coauthor of Unmarried to Each Other. "It's about making intricate, complicated decisions about money, housework, and time." To keep your love thriving under the extra pressure, take these six realities of cohabitation into consideration.

Reality #1 It doesn't seal the deal.
Moving in seems like a natural precursor to marriage, but you shouldn't count on it. In fact, only 45 percent of couples who cohabitate get hitched, says Susan Brown, Ph.D., a sociologist at Bowling Green State University. And research has linked living together before tying the knot to an increased risk of unhappy marriage. One theory as to why: People who live together often swap rings not because they're right for each other, but because they feel too invested in the relationship to break up, says Paul Amato, Ph.D., a sociologist at Penn State University.

Strategy #1 Talk about the future.
If marriage is what you want, make that crystal clear even if — scratch that, especially if — it requires an uncomfortable conversation. A recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who get _engaged before setting up house are happier pre and postmarriage than couples who do so after the move. "Make sure you understand each other's reasons for wanting to move in," advises study author Galena Kline, a research associate at the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies. Even if you don't go shopping for a diamond, agree on a timeline for how the relationship is going to unfold.

Reality #2 All roommates are irritating.
Just because you're hot for each other doesn't make living together easy. Annie Sargent, 34, a lawyer in Seattle, says she's frequently been on edge since her boyfriend moved in a year ago. When he washes dishes, "he's a whirling dervish — soapy water gets all over everything," Sargent says. She gets so annoyed she yells at him, and then he gets upset because he was trying to help. And that's just one example. "I want him there," she says. "But now I'm irritated all the time."

Strategy #2 Choose your battles.
Yes, he's annoying. But he'll always be annoying! And so will you by virtue of sharing the same space 24/7. "You need to let go of the little things that bug you but aren't meaningful," says Noelle Nelson, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Power of Appreciation. Easier said than done, so try this: Whenever he's driving you up the wall, try to think of three nice things he's done for you lately. It should defuse your irritation just enough to keep you from lashing out.

Reality #3 It's not just about you anymore.
You want to grab a drink with an ex after work. Or apply for that amazing job in Newfoundland. But now your decisions, from trivial to momentous, will affect another person's routine, lifestyle, and bank account. "Everything I did suddenly involved an extra step," says Bill Schmidt, 36, who moved in with his girlfriend 8 years ago. Formerly speedy grocery runs now required remembering what kind of yogurt, or cookies, or bread she liked. "It took a while to adjust to not just thinking about myself."

Strategy #3 Be a better half.
As corny as it sounds, moving in together really does mean becoming a team, and that means giving up a lot of the autonomy you've been reveling in since you were 18. Before making decisions that could affect him, ask yourself how you would feel if he did the same to you. Then proceed accordingly even if it makes you groan. "If you don't do that, you won't stay together, or you'll stay together and be miserable," says John Jacobs, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage.

marchofdimes.com

What you need to know:
Unless your health care provider advises you otherwise, sex during pregnancy is safe for you and the baby. The baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in the womb and by your abdomen.

Some women with high-risk pregnancies are advised to avoid intercourse during pregnancy. Your health care provider will tell you if you have a high-risk pregnancy.

What you can do:
If you are concerned, ask your health care provider if it’s okay to have sex.

Talk to your partner about each of your needs and concerns in an open and loving way. If you work together, you can probably figure out how to put a smile on each other’s face.

To avoid sexually transmitted infections, have sex with only one person who doesn’t have any other sexual partners and/or use a condom when having sex. Discuss HIV testing for you and your partner with your health care provider.

Ask Dr. Sears: Nighttime Bottles and Tooth Decay

---

By Dr. William Sears

 

From parenting.com 

Q My husband and I recently adopted a baby, and he's been exclusively bottle-fed. He always feeds at night from a bottle, and I've been hearing that he will develop cavities from this. He doesn't take the bottle to bed; rather he has his bedtime bottle and we put him down to sleep right afterwards. Is this indeed dangerous for his teeth?

A Indeed, it is, as the milk sugars in formula can cause tooth decay. Even natural milk sugars present in breast milk can occasionally cause tooth decay from night nursing. The reason for the night feeding-tooth decay correlation is that when you fall asleep, saliva production drastically slows and you lose the natural rinsing action that saliva provides. This allows the milk sugars to settle on the teeth and stay there throughout the night, possibly causing decay. It's a true dilemma, because one of the time-tested ways of putting babies to sleep is feeding them. Instead, try these tricks:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...will not be mentioned again. But to him, the things he adores most in life (fantasy baseball and old lacrosse sticks) are just as warm and cuddly

By Dev Sherlock

In the beginning your man is mature, polite, caring, just a bit dashing — and he's even read Murakami. Then comes the day you discover that he's kept his college pillow (even though it smells like maple syrup) and that for 6 months every year he manages a baseball team — a pretend one. Before the doubts take hold, know that these are all harmless parts of the admittedly curious collection of gadgets, rituals, and other stuff that we men cherish. A quick rummage through and you'll see that these little obsessions of ours are perfectly sane. No, really.

Video Games
To you, they're childish, but, dude, have you seen the new Half-Life 2 for Xbox? Our environment is one of daily competition — be it work, sports, social, or gunning it at the red light. "Men crave challenge constantly. It's all about winning and losing, about doing well or not doing well," says Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Why Men Are The Way They Are. "And when you lose at a video game, it's not real rejection, so you're able to practice your winning and losing privately." You see, PlayStation2 (or whatever the platform of choice) lets us joystick away from reality while giving us a chance to repeatedly press the ego button. As my friend Brier points out, "Even if my younger brother can still kick my butt all over the tennis court, when we come back inside, Madden NFL 2005 levels the playing field."

Your Stuff
It's an enchanting world you inhabit, what with your soft clothes, scented candles, and beauty products with names that sound like small galaxies. And when your world starts spilling over into ours, the truth is, we really don't mind (unless it spills into our side of the sink). We rather enjoy the light and sophistication you bring into our testosterone-filled and sometimes unkempt existence. "Both sexes like reminders of our emotional connection to a significant other," Dr. Farrell explains. So please don't be upset that we used up the last of your Kiehl's Tea Tree Oil Shampoo. After all, we did resist the urge to secretly refill the bottle with liquid soap.

The Fantasy Team
You have no idea what it's like to hit as many home runs as Manny Ramirez. Unfortunately, neither do we. We spent our childhood trying to throw like Montana and shoot like Bird, but now our games are over. We'll never make it to the World Series — that is, unless the "world" includes Steve's 9th Street Studs. Whether it's baseball, football, basketball, or English soccer, we obsess over our imaginary teams. Oh, we see the irony: It'd be immature to get upset about sports at our age, but we can't just disengage, so adding the fantasy element helps us justify our childish excitement. Now Shaq's dunk is our dunk too. Bam!

Dr. Farrell thinks it goes deeper: "Fantasy sports is to men what playing house is to women. We learned our male roles through sports. So it's about reliving the glory days, being able to play it out over and over again through sports, and recalling our peak masculinity."

Simple Negotiation
We could spend the better part of an evening at Blockbuster debating the finer points of Kill Bill: Vol. I versus Cold Mountain with you. But we prefer a quicker route. That's why men, when it comes to conflict, prefer chance over logic. In particular: Rock Paper Scissors.

We've been using it all our lives to decide such things as who rode shotgun or bought the beer — probably even who got dibs on asking you out the night we met you at that party. "Men have to make everything into a competition," says Douglas Walker, coauthor (with brother Graham) of The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide. "Rarely will you see women playing women. They're better at resolving things the old-fashioned way, i.e., with words."

But since we sometimes lack the patience for that, we now like to employ this so-called "marriage-saver" with you. "It just means a few less petty arguments about who walks the dog or changes the diaper," Walker says. Hint: We usually throw "rock" first.

Finally, a man puts down the remote long enough to explain what he's really thinking

By Ted Spiker

A man's mouth is like the back of an armored truck. We like to keep the door to our thoughts closed, locked, and protected by armed guards. Why? Simply because we fear what trouble would spill out if you knew everything we keep inside. We fear you'd think we were pigs or pansies, and frankly, we fear for our safety (there's no correct way to answer a question that includes the words "fat" or "tummy tuck"). That said, we'll let you borrow the key—just this once—and take a look in this truck of valuable insight. Inside, you'll see the very things a man will never tell you about himself—and a few about you.

1. I like The Bachelor, Bioré nose strips, and piña coladas. Testosterone prevents us from admitting this to most women or within 500 feet of another penis. But be assured that we can call on estrogen reserves as needed. Need someone to talk Bachelor smack with? Bring it on. Firestone made the best choice of them all, Bob's a doof, and Jesse's only shot at completing a pass all year was with Trish.

2. I'd much rather perform duets, but I have contractual obligations with my hormones to make solo albums. When it comes to the bedroom, women take offense if a man needs to take the microphone into his own hands—like it's a sign we're not satisfied with you. Look, a solo performance is no substitute for the many beautiful tunes we've recorded together, but scheduling conflicts mean that we may occasionally need to riff by ourselves. And hey, singing solo helps cure our insomnia, decrease stress, and keep us from putting finger-tapping indentations in your shoulder.

3. I'm selfish. The fact that I resist getting a dog doesn't mean I hate animals. I see my future, and my future involves putting my hand in a plastic bag to pick up warm pug feces twice a day—for the next 12 years. The only thing I want to scoop 8,760 times in my life is butter pecan.

4. I get scared. The greatest fear in my life: having a shark or clogged artery pick me off, so that I'll never see my kids grow up. Second biggest fear: being humiliated in front of my peers. The third thing that really scares me: The fact that I cranked up the volume when a Vanessa Carlton song came on the radio today.

5. I have a Top 10 list for things that turn me on. You're included in seven of them, but numbers 5, 6, and 10 are: that scene from Monster's Ball, belly shirts, and the hair stylist who rubs her chest against my shoulders.

6. I hate the way I look. You think you have issues? Men have more hang-ups than a telemarketer. We might walk around like chest-thumping primates, but our list of insecurities rivals yours. Men may never admit they're bothered by their shoulder hair, or the fact that they're hung like a tugboat instead of a torpedo. But we're sure to pull out humor, intellect, money, or millions of other things we can control to compensate for the things we can't.

7. I agree. George Clooney is hot.

8. I pick cards for you solely based on the picture. Really, how is some Hallmark hack going to properly sum up what I feel for the woman who sizzles my bacon? Gimme two kids holding hands, and it's a done deal.

9. Yes, me, yes, I'd rather you didn't, before. The honest answers to the following questions, which I may not have answered candidly the first time you asked: Were you looking at that woman in the bikini? Who scratched the glass table? Did you let the kids have seven cookies before dinner? I ran out of razors—can I borrow yours? Did my hair look better before or after I got it cut?

His body is a wonderland. Here's how to use it well By Lauren Russell Women's Health Magazine
The idea that men are completely lacking in sexual subtlety went out with parachute pants. From the hormones coursing through his brain to the tendons tensing in his toes, his body in sex mode is just as complex as yours. Use this advanced guide to male anatomy to rock his world in new and improved ways — and get your rocks off more often in the process. Lips A smile isn't the only signal he sends with his mouth. His pucker is packed with nerve endings that — when touched, licked, or kissed — tell receptors in his brain to fire feel-good endorphins. In a new relationship, a smooch also provides information, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. "Are you timid or courageous or sensual?" A kiss can tell all.

The Power of a Kiss

by Dr. Laura Berman



Has it been a while since you had a good smooch? One of the most sensual acts we have is the kiss. But a lot of couples take kissing for granted once they've been together a while. They move on to sex as the main event. Or worse, couples stop kissing in their daily life because their connection and attraction to each other has dwindled.

Kissing is a highly erotic act—and none of us should forget it. A kiss is the beginning of everything, from a new relationship to some of our earliest memories as sexual beings. Remember how much a kiss could mean when you were younger? Or how intense that first kiss is with someone new? All couples must remember to pucker up and lay a good one on each other at least once a day, at the very least. In fact, I did a nationwide intimacy study (funded by an unrestricted educational grant from the K-Y brand) that found that couples who share more kisses were eight-times as likely to be stress- and depression-free when compared to couples who only kiss during sex.