To Spank or Not to Spank? By Dr. William Sears
Q My husband believes in spanking, but I don't. How can we come to an agreement on how to discipline our kids? A I've practiced pediatrics for 35 years and raised eight children with my wife. I've seen lots of children grow up and through the years, I've become more and more convinced that spanking is not the best solution when it comes to child discipline. In my opinion, "sparing the rod" results in emotionally healthy and well-disciplined children. Increasing scientific evidence against spanking and anti-spanking opinions among child development researchers have prompted most European and Scandinavian countries to have laws against spanking. Even the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child declared spanking a form of violence and is in favor of laws against physical punishment. Here, some information you can share with your husband that might encourage him to rethink his position on spanking: Spanking doesn't work. As parents of a large family, we have had to run a well-disciplined household, so I believe in discipline that works. And, as every parent knows, children push your buttons and there will be times you feel like spanking them. In my practice, I have had parents who spank and those who don't, and with the ones who do, I've seen it just doesn't work. Many times they've told me, "The more we spank, the worse he misbehaves!" Spanking creates a distance between parent and child. It doesn't promote good behavior, and if it seems to discourage bad behavior, it does so more by force than desire. Here's how we approached spanking in our home: since we were very aware of the research against spanking and have rarely seen it work, we adapted a "no spanking" attitude in disciplining our children. Having imprinted on our minds that we will not spank our children — but we will discipline our children — it forced us to learn better ways of discipline. If you program yourself with "I will not hit my child," it forces you to stop and take the time to think: "Is there a better way I can handle this situation?" Spanking models violence. A mom of one of my patients once told me that she thought she had to spank her child to be a good disciplinarian until one day she observed her three-year-old daughter hitting her younger brother. When mom intervened, the daughter said: "I'm just playing mommy." Obviously, there was no more spanking in that house. When a big person hits a little person, especially out of anger, it can model to the child that it's okay to hit people. Long-term studies show that children who were spanked tended to be more physically violent as teenagers and adults, were more likely to be bullies at school, and tended to be generally more antisocial. Children who were spanked excessively had a four times greater incidence of becoming spouse abusers when they were adults. (A necessary note about spanking studies: the same studies also showed that spanking had less damaging long-term effects when practiced in an overall loving home, used sensitively and infrequently, limited only to major offenses, and the parent rationally explained why the child was spanked.) In a child's mind, if Mom or Dad does something, it's okay. If you vent your anger by hitting your child, then it's harder to rationalize to your child why he shouldn't hit someone when he's angry. Empathy, the ability to think before you act and imagine how your actions will affect another person, is one of the main qualities that you want to instill in your child. Spanking sabotages empathy. A child who is regularly spanked will think nothing of hauling off and hitting another child without considering if their actions are going to hurt the other person. Getting behind the eyes of your child can do wonders for prompting you to click into a much more sensitive mode of disciplining than spanking. When he misbehaves, stop and think: "If I were my child, how would I want my parent to handle this?" Spanking is simply a force that gets a kid to stop the misbehavior at that particular time. Remember, discipline means teaching. You want your child to obey because he has learned the ability to make his own choices of what is right or wrong, not out of fear of getting spanked. If your husband wants to learn discipline techniques alternative to spanking, have him read our book, The Discipline Book, for many sensitive strategies that can replace spanking in your home.