By Deborah Davis
When I meet a pregnant teen, I usually smile. I may offer congratulations, or, if we get into a longer conversation, ask how she's doing. I don't scowl at young-looking mothers when I see them in the grocery store, in the park, or at the bus stop. I offer help lifting a stroller onto the bus if it looks like help is needed, or pay a compliment to the mother about her parenting or about her child. A young woman carrying a new life in her belly or on her hip gives me a sense of hope.
Our media abounds with dire statistics about the pregnant girls who don't finish high school and the likelihood of repeat pregnancies. So, why do I act kindly toward pregnant teens? Why do I feel optimistic? Don't I worry that she and her child will have a difficult time?
In my experience, I've learned that a little kindness and support goes a long way in helping young mothers to succeed. For the past four years I collected written stories from hundreds of women who are or were teen mothers and then compiled 35 of the stories in a book. The women wrote about the positive side of young parenting: how being a teen mother can mean having lots of energy, an open mind, a willingness to learn, and a great capacity to achieve as well as to love. And many described how crucial it was for them to have some degree of family support.
Young mothers have a lot to offer everyone who knows, loves, works, or studies with a pregnant or parenting teen. Below, I will share some of what I learned from them. While much of this information will apply whether the pregnant young woman is your daughter, your relative, or your friend, to simplify the writing I will refer to her as a daughter.
How to respond when your teenage daughter tells you she is pregnant
Donna Dahlquist, a social worker who became a mom in her teens, says that when someone tells you she is having a baby, no matter what her age or how rough you think it's going to be for her, "look her in the eye, smile, and say, 'Congratulations.' And if at all possible, you should mean it." If you're not sure how the young woman views her pregnancy, you can ask, "How are you feeling about it?" After she responds, you'll know whether to offer congratulations or something else in keeping with her mood.
Hearing "I'm pregnant" may be a shock to you. It may even be one of the last things you wanted to hear. You might find yourself reeling, recalling all the negative things you've ever heard about teen parents. You may feel a deep sense of disappointment, sorrow, or fear as you struggle to let go of the future you've imagined for your daughter and replace it with the one you're picturing now. Reel if you must, but take note: the latest academic studies indicate that while teen parents often have a rough start, eventually they do just fine.
If your daughter has just found out about the pregnancy, she may be in shock, too. Girls get pregnant under all kinds of circumstances, but often what led to the pregnancy was some sort of failure: of birth control, of self-esteem, of a lack of comprehensive sex education, of communication, of respect. While it may be important to talk to her about what led to the pregnancy, analyzing the situation right away may seem insensitive to her and should probably come later.
Listen carefully to everything your daughter has to say. She may be scared, excited, or both. She may be more terrified of your reaction than she is of the pregnancy itself. She might be deeply confused about what to do about the pregnancy. Or she may be excited but afraid to express her excitement to you. Whatever your relationship has been like, you now have an opportunity to build or rebuild trust. It's fine to share your own feelings honestly, but be careful not to overwhelm her with your own fears or harsh judgments. She's probably got plenty of her own! Give her time to talk. It's a good time to find out how she's doing, how she's feeling, and to just absorb the news. Respectfully ask for information: how did she confirm the pregnancy? Has she had any prenatal care? How is the father of the baby reacting to the pregnancy? And a crucial question: What kind of support does she think she will need from you? She may not know yet-and you may not be able to answer yet, even if she does. But it's helpful to raise the question, so both of you can begin to think about it.
Once you're over your initial reaction...
Especially early in the pregnancy, your daughter may be considering a variety of options-keeping the baby, abortion, or adoption. While you may have strong feelings about what your daughter should do, she must be free to make her own decision. If she is uncertain, she might find it helpful to consult with a counselor, or, if she has a strong religious affiliation, with a rabbi, priest, or minister. Don't be surprised if you find that you need to get some counseling for yourself. If it's hard for you to let her make her own choice, you may need to talk about your feelings with your own counselor. If your daughter is in her second or third trimester, abortion is less of an option, but she may still need time to consider her other choices. Some young women do not decide until they go into labor or even after the baby is born what they wish to do. Legally, she has a right to decide. Coercing her into a decision that she may later regret could result in a breach in your relationship with her that could be very difficult to mend.
Depending on her age, level of maturity, the involvement of the baby's father, and other factors, she may need you to assist her with a number of things: setting up and driving her to counseling or prenatal appointments or, if she's interested in ending the pregnancy, to an appointment at a clinic that does abortions.
Making a plan -- one for her, one for you
Maybe you are thinking, "This pregnancy will change everything and I can't (or won't) change my life to accommodate the needs of a young baby in our family." In my experience, most parents of pregnant teens find that the months of pregnancy are as important for their own adjustment and preparations as they are for the new mom. What should you continue to do as her parent? What should you step back from, leaving her to take on more responsibility?
Assess carefully what you can offer your daughter in the way of support. Can you help financially? If so, to what degree? Can she continue to live with you? If she's been living away from the house and wants to come back, can that work for you? Even on a trial basis? Some parents wouldn't want their daughter to live anywhere else; others feel strongly that it's time to live separately. Maybe your time is limited: can you offer rides to appointments several times a month? Or accompany her to a childbirth preparation class, if the father of the baby is not involved? After the baby is born, can you watch the baby one day, one half-day, or one hour a week? Let her know what time you have available; let her choose how she wants to utilize that time. Most pregnant young women understand that their parents already have a lot of responsibility on their hands and appreciate whatever they can offer. The more you clarify what she can and cannot expect from you, the easier it will be between you. Many parents find, once they see their daughter taking on new responsibilities and once they meet their new grandchild, that they want to do more for their newly expanded family.
Your daughter will need her own plan, separate from yours. In her story titled "A Journey to Self", Chris Vitale, a former teen mother and registered nurse with 24 years experience working with children and teens, tells how on her first day attending a school for pregnant girls, the director asked her what her plans were.
"Plans? Plans for what?" Chris asked, having no idea what the woman was talking about.That was a pivotal time in Chris' life -- the moment when she realized she could continue to pursue the same dreams she'd had before she became pregnant. It took only one significant person's caring question to reestablish Chris's belief in herself and her abilities.
"What are your plans for your life?" the woman said.
"Since the day I acknowledged my pregnancy," Chris wrote, "no one had asked me that! Everyone thought my life was over. I took a deep breath and said, 'I always wanted to be a nurse.'"